hello fear

my parents helped me move into my apartment Friday and Saturday.  i should have been excited, especially after things started to look clean and the space started to feel like “mine.”  but almost all day Saturday, i found myself on the verge of tears.  it felt as if i were being assaulted by fear.  myriad what ifs buzzed around my head like angry wasps, questioning my ability to live alone, to handle the work ahead of me, even to become an effective physician.

after reading about how to conquer inadequacy through Christ, talking to my parents, and trying to reassure myself with Bible verses, prayers, and common sense, the negative thoughts still did not leave me completely.  i can only hope that these doubts will eventually fade, and if they don’t, i pray that they won’t immobilize me or keep me from reaching my full potential.

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2 thoughts on “hello fear

  1. The fear doesn’t stop when you begin a new chapter in your life. And if, after all the praying, family consultation/consolation, and self reaffirmation, one still feels alone, all I have to add is that you already finished the hardest part: starting. I think you’ll find that the birth pangs will be worth it (as it seems that hindsight is not only 20/20 but it gives that perspective that “it was well and good.”). I can’t say I’ve mastered my anxieties, but I know a measure of calm comes from that reorienting of perspectives. I wish you the best and don’t forget to visit me!

  2. may I ask what you read about conquering inadequacy through christ? in any case, i urge you to think of your past accomplishments. you hold a high school diploma (already a step above many, sadly), and you hold a harvard degree. these are just silly things that point to more serious attributes… your self-discipline and dedication toward a goal. your ability to focus. to work hard. you led worship at harvard, too, and so many people benefited from that. i love your voice. and you are a wonderful friend, letting me use your printer and letting me vent to you. sharing secrets and being honest. lately, i’ve been welcoming my fear my like an old friend. i greet it, as stupid as that sounds, and acknoweldge it… instead of trying to immediately push it away… and it seems to go away quicker these days. doesn’t mean it doesn’t keep coming knocking on the doors of my mind and heart… BUT each time you defy the fear and move forward, you have another accomplishment to remind yourself of the next time fear appears. just don’t forget how strong you’ve already been, and you’ll realize how strong you are. love you.

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